The Old Testament

 “[The Bible] has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some
blood-drenched history; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a
thousand lies.”
—Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth, Vol. II
Let’s begin by putting “two of every sort (of animal) into the ark,” and
then … Oh, wait. Was that “two of every sort,” as per Genesis 6:19, or
seven of clean and two of unclean animals, as per Genesis 7:2-3?
Hmm. Well, we’ve got up to 120 years to think about it, because that’s the
limit of the human lifespan, as per God’s promise in Genesis 6:3. So, just
like Shem …

Oops. Bad example. Genesis 11:11
states, “Shem lived five hundred
years…”
Oookay, forget Shem. So, just like
Noah … Double Oops. Genesis 9:29
teaches, “So all the days of Noah were
nine hundred and fifty years; and he
died.” So let’s see, Genesis 6:3 promised
a lifespan limited to a hundred
and twenty years, but a few verses later both Shem and Noah broke the
rule?
Whoa, time out.
Let’s look at Old Testament dates from a different angle. Here’s Genesis
16:16: “Abraham was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore Ishmael to
Abraham.” Genesis 21:5 tells us, “Now Abraham was one hundred years
old when his son Isaac was born to him.” So let’s see, one hundred minus
eighty-six, subtract the six from the first ten, nine minus eight … I get
fourteen. So Ishmael was fourteen when Isaac was born.
A bit later, in Genesis 21:8, we read, “So the child (Isaac) grew and was
weaned.” Now, weaning in the Middle East takes two years, according to

ethnic custom. So tack two onto fourteen, and Ishmael was sixteen before
Sarah ordered Abraham to cast him out (Genesis 21:10).
Fine.
So far.
A couple more verses, and Genesis 21:14-19 portrays the outcast Ishmael
as a helpless infant rather than an able-bodied, sixteen-year-old youth, as
follows:
So Abraham rose early in the morning, and took bread and a skin of water;
and putting it on her shoulder, he gave it and the boy to Hagar, and sent
her away. Then she departed and wandered in the Wilderness of Beersheba.
And the water in the skin was used up, and she placed the boy under
one of the shrubs. Then she went and sat down across from him at a distance
of about a bowshot; for she said to herself, “Let me not see the death
of the boy.” So she sat opposite him, and lifted her voice and wept.
And God heard the voice of the lad. Then the angel of God called to Hagar
out of heaven, and said to her, “What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for
God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and
hold him with your hand, for I will make him a great nation.”
Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went
and filled the skin with water, and gave the lad a drink.”
A sixteen-year-old youth described as a “boy” or a “lad?” In a time and
place when sixteen year-olds were commonly married and awaiting their
second or third child while supporting a growing family? In addition to
being hunters, soldiers and, albeit rarely, even kings on occasion? Sixteen
years equated to manhood in Ishmael’s day. So how exactly did his father
give the sixteen year-old “boy,” Ishmael, to Hagar? And how did she
leave him crying (i.e., “the voice of the lad”) like a helpless baby under a
shrub? And how, precisely, did his mother lift him up and hold him with
her hand? Lastly, are we truly expected to believe that Ishmael was so
frail that his mother had to give him a drink, because he was unable to get
it himself?
Uh, yes, that’s the gist of it. That’s what we’re supposed to believe.

But wait, there’s more.
2 Chronicles 22:2 teaches that “Ahaziah was forty-two years old when he
became king….” Hunh. Forty-two years old. Hardly seems worthy of
mention. Unless, that is, we note that 2 Kings 8:26 records, “Ahaziah was
twenty-two years old when he became king …” So which was it? Fortytwo
or twenty-two?
Let’s take a hint from the Bible. 2 Chronicles 21:20 teaches that Ahaziah’s
father, King Jehoram, died at the age of forty.
Ahem.
King Jehoram died at the age of forty and was succeeded by his son, who
was forty-two? In other words, King Jehoram fathered a child two years
older than himself? Arithmetic, according to Mickey Mouse, is “Being
able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.” But between
the reader’s toes and all appendages of the family cat, there’s no way to
make sense of these figures. And while the logical conclusion approaches
ramming speed, 2 Chronicles 22:1 points out that Ahaziah was King Jehoram’s
youngest son, for raiders had killed all Jehoram’s older sons.
So if Ahaziah was two years older than dear departed Dad, how many
years did his older brothers have on their father?
Obviously, 2 Chronicles 22:2 can’t be trusted and 2 Kings 8:26, which
teaches that Ahaziah was twenty-two when he became king, must be the
correct version.
So King Jehoram died at forty (2 Chronicles 21:20) and was succeeded by
Ahaziah, who was twenty-two (2 Kings 8:26). Which means King Jehoram
was eighteen when Ahaziah was born, and roughly seventeen when he
was conceived. Not only that, but Jehoram had older sons (2 Chronicles
22:1), so he must have started his family at the age of fifteen or less. So
much for Ishmael having been a helpless lad at the age of sixteen. It was a
time when teenagers were men.
But what about 2 Chronicles 22:2, which states that Ahaziah was forty-two
when he assumed the throne?
A copying error, no doubt.

But that’s not the point.
Isaiah 40:8 claims that “the word of our God stands forever.” This assertion
doesn’t excuse copying errors, or any other error, regardless how
slight. In fact, according to Isaiah 40:8, any “word” which has not “stood
forever” is disqualified as having been from God.
Which should make us question the authorship.
If “the word of our God stands forever,” and the “word” of Ahaziah’s age
doesn’t stand the test of time, whose word is it? God’s or Satan’s?
Don’t look now, but even the Old Testament seems uncertain on this point.
2 Samuel 24:1 reads, “Again the anger of the LORD was aroused against
Israel, and He moved David against them to say, ‘Go, number Israel and
Judah.’”
However,
1 Chronicles 21:1 states, “Now Satan stood up against Israel, and moved
David to number Israel.”
Uhhh, which was it? The Lord, or Satan? There’s a slight (like, total)
difference.
Talk about identity theft.
But seriously, the mistake is understandable. After all, it’s pretty hard to
know who you’re talking to, when you can’t put a face to revelation. And,
as God said in Exodus 33:20, “You cannot see My face; for no man shall
see Me, and live.”
So there we have it.
No man can see God’s face, and live.
Well, except for Jacob, of course. As Genesis 32:30 states, “So Jacob
called the name of the place Peniel: ‘For I have seen God face to face, and
my life is preserved.’”
And we mustn’t forget Moses, as per Exodus 33:11: “So the LORD spoke
to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend.”

 So no man can see God’s face, and live.
Except for Jacob and Moses.
But God didn’t mention that exception, did He?
So maybe He changed His mind.
And then again, maybe not.
Copyright © 2007 Laurence B. Brown; used by permission.
The above excerpt is taken from Dr. Brown's forthcoming book, Mis-
God'ed, which is expected to be published along with its sequel, God'ed.
Both books can be viewed on Dr. Brown’s website, www.Leveltruth.com.
Dr. Brown can be contacted at BrownL38@yahoo.com